Identity Crisis

Historically, my strongest spiritual gift has always been encouragement.  Discernment/wisdom and shepherding have also been pretty high on the list, which, I came to discover in college lends itself to loving discipleship.  Then I came to believe that Counseling was the career that it lent itself, too (afterall, it's "discipleship on steroids").  

However, this year has been a journey towards facing the fact that I probably will not be able to get a counseling degree.  Financially, it just doesn't seem like it will happen.

So I've been pretty disappointed.  And at times, I've felt almost depressed. (Which is a little crazy to me considering one of my greatest dreams, marrying a wonderful godly man, HAS come true in the past year).  A counselor once taught me that depression comes from a blocked goal.  Which fits.  In my case, I somehow let getting a counseling degree become a very important goal to me - very important to my future, my identity.  And it's been blocked.  By something as silly as money.  I could write a hundred rants on what I've come to see about what I grew up believing about dreams and money and education, ect., but needless to say, I have bought into several lies that led me to believe I could do whatever I want and I've been disappointed to find that I cannot.

I've been struggling a lot with my identity in the past year.  I never really had much self-confidence or that strong of a sense of self until my time overseas.  I felt that I learned so much about myself...and I think that I did.  But I think in some ways what happened was that I traded in one false sense of self for another.  One brand of overachiever perfectionist for another more spiritual kind.  

So when I returned to America and all of the sudden I didn't have my "Christian I.D. card" as one friend called it, I felt lost.  Maybe more lost than ever.

Okay, all that being said -- as is most cases, there were/are good things going on in my heart that get twisted into sin and idolatry.  I had pretty much the best job ever - being in full-time Christian ministry.  A very difficult but very rewarding job.  And I do think that the Lord has specially equipped me for that job.  And it's a very important job. (So coming back to doing nothing all day long at first, and then serving chicken all day long was an extremely rude awakening).

So I felt lost.  And very sorry for myself.  And very angry at the world...and maybe a little bit at God.


Meanwhile, I've just spent a whole year of my life totally focused on myself because I felt so sad that I wasn't employed full-time helping other people.  Ha, it's almost funny looking back now.  Almost.  


So the other night, at a women's fellowship time we were talking about our gifts and strengths and I realized that encouragement at least USED to be my gift...but had I really encouraged anyone recently?  I've been so focused on not getting to encourage people for a living that I'd apparently resolved that I wasn't able to encourage anyone.  Right here, right now.


BUT I CAN.  I believe now that the Lord wants to use me here.  He did make and shape me in a way to point people toward finding joy in Christ and that doesn't mean that has to be my official job title to do it.  


I don't want to waste my time in Orlando feeling sorry for myself anymore.  I want to do what I know I was made for, right here and right now.  So may the Lord continue to show me people to pursue and to encourage, to disciple and to counsel.  


And may He continue to root my identity in Jesus' complete work on the Cross on my behalf, that I am called a daughter of God, a holy and chosen one, an ambassador in chains.  A worshiper and thus a missionary - near and far.  Whose only I.D. card is the Cross (a.k.a. death to myself and all my pride and life in Christ alone...finding myself by LOSING myself).


Now THAT is encouraging...