More on Losing Myself...

I've been reading about addiction in preparation for a counseling class I'm blessed to be able to take this week.

The instructor writes about "The Last Addiction" in her book by that title -- the addiction to thinking we can save ourselves.  

The Holy Spirit has begun to whisper some of the substances/behaviors I may be addicted, too - broadly speaking, COMFORT and under that category, TV and Facebook, among other things.  But in light of what the Holy Spirit's already been whispering to me, I am seriously addicted to serving my self, the preservation of my pride, and the presentation of an ideal me - to myself, God and others.  

Pride has ALWAYS been a huge struggle for me.  Spiritual pride, intellectual pride, pride about my niceness, pride about my looks, pride about my friends, pride about my taste in music - the list could go on and would continue to become more and more silly and narcissistic.  I guess pride and striving for a sense of identity could go hand in hand.  

The wild thing is, God has done MUCH in my life to humble me.  The whole crux of my testimony is that I needed to be shown that I was actually a sinner - not just a really good girl who messed up occasionally.  And in the past year, He's done much to humiliate me.  The things that He's been attacking have been, often times, so superficial.  And I'm beginning to realize it's been all the more painful, once again, by the double-egged nature of pride: I've been humiliated by the superficial and humiliated to find myself so concerned with the superficial. 

The WILDER thing is, WHO CARES?!  What I mean is, I just need to repent!  To give up!  To turn my cheek to the humiliating situations that arise and to live in continual repentance of this obsession with myself and the need to prove myself.

Introspection can lead to sorrow that is godly in repentant OR sorrow that just leads to prideful despair.  

I spent a lot of my time in full-time ministry thinking of "Jesus, Who humbled Himself"...yet, somehow this wasn't hitting home in my recent humiliation.  I wasn't letting it hit home.  I thought it was far too beneath Him.  To be concerned with status and levels/quality education and clothes and titles and money...I felt too ashamed to associate that kind of humility with the humility that Jesus experienced.  

But I think He did experience it...every moment of every day (YET He was without SIN!).  And a humiliation far beyond what I will ever experience because I could never esteem myself as high as He had every right to esteem Himself.

O Jesus, most beautiful, most wise, most joyous and joy-giving, the Light of the World, the King of all kings...thank you for humbling Yourself, for making Yourself nothing, for coming as a servant and experience all the humiliation involved in being a man (as opposed to God!).  And thank You for seeking to humble me.  Inside and out.  My heart's desire is most definitely You and Your glory far beyond its desire for my own glory.  May You continue to increase and may I ever decrease.  

Help me to forget myself!  And remember You.  A servant King.  You make me whole.  You make me worthy. You are my joy!  You are my citizenship and my boast and my song.