Those two melt-my-heart pictures were taken on Sunday in the ER. The scariest, most awful day of my life. It's two days later and all Aubrey and I can really say to each other about it was that it was horrible. First things first, though, those are pictures of our healthy baby! Praise. the. Lord. As much as I'm incapable of describing the horror of thinking he/she might not be okay, the relief and joy of knowing he has a good heart rate is infinitely more inexplicable.
So here's what happened: church is wrapping up - singing 'I Can Only Imagine' and I was feeling like I should be sitting down (although, I was relieved looking back, to know that it wasn't just that I wasn't that into the song...I was just feeling awful ;-D). Right as the song's ending, I thought I should go to the bathroom, but on my way I knew something was very wrong -- I could feel that I was gushing what had to be blood. In the bathroom, I confirmed what I already knew was true -- but it was terrible seeing all the blood. By then, other ladies started streaming into the bathroom. At first, I considered having one of them go get Aubrey, but then I realized I needed to get to the ER as soon as possible, so I cleaned up as best I could and hurried out.
By God's good providence, I saw my good friend (and mom of 3) to whom I, I'm sure quite incoherently, explained what was going on as the tears started coming to actually say it out loud -- and then tried to ask her if it was the right thing to do to go to the ER. She was so calm and sympathetic -- she was the perfect manifestation of God's presence at that moment.
Then I quite rudely interrupted Aubrey's conversation by simply saying, "We have to go" and my sweet husband quickly made arrangements for us to vote to install one of our favorite people as an elder -- all the while not knowing what was going on, except that his wife was in tears (this actually happens kind-of a lot in church, so he may not have been that alarmed at first...still very sweet of him to 'oblige' me).
So we finally make it out of church and on the way I tell him I'm bleeding and that we need to go to the hospital.
At this point, I would like to say that I have the most wonderful husband in the whole world. He was so incredibly attentive and comforting the entire day (and beyond) -- he held my hand, got me tissues, stroked my back, and prayed for us. I'm sure he was just as scared as me, but I never once felt lonely or like no one understood what I was feeling -- another perfect manifestation of God's presence throughout that horrible day.
There was a lot of waiting at first -- well, there was a lot of waiting the entire day but the first part was before they did the ultrasound and we at least knew our baby was alive and that was absolute torture. I also want to say here that everyone in the ER was amazing -- the nurses, the PA, the lovely ultrasound technician, even the triage guy. I was struck by how courageous they are to sit with people who are potentially going through really horrible things. Some of them, like the triage guy, the PA and the ultrasound lady met me more where I was at -- they were pretty serious and somber, but kind and sympathetic. Some of the nurses tried to lighten the mood a little -- which I was also kind-of okay with (even though, my awareness of my addiction to smiling as a coping mechanism wasn't completely comfortable with that). I also spoke with my OB briefly when I first arrived at the hospital and his voice was very calming as well -- it reminded me of the voice of my favorite seminary professor -- whose voice seems to embody to me the shalom he so often speaks of.
It's funny, in some ways the whole day was sort-of surreal and dreamlike, but I was so sensitive and aware of the moods and manner of all of my 'caretakers'. Yet another way I could feel God's presence through each of them as well.
First lots of taking my vitals, then my blood. Next was the pelvic exam, which I broke down in tears in the midst of. Not exactly sure why that in particular brought tears, other than it was actually really painful (I was very tense, obviously) and I was still absolutely fearing the worst at that point. Then it was off to the ultrasound room. Here, Maggie was fairly quiet but kind and though she explained what she was doing, it wasn't until about 20 minutes into it and in response to a question that she told us she she saw a heartbeat. Then Aubrey tells me he saw the baby moving around and he could see the heartbeat, too! I could not really see the screen at all, which doesn't make much sense to me, but whatever...I am overjoyed that Aubrey saw it!
So, then we finally knew what I'd scarcely been able to allow myself to hope since I saw all that blood -- our baby was fine! He/she'd been growing a lot since the last ultrasound we'd gotten! We even had pictures to take home with us of our precious baby -- and we weren't supposed to get another ultrasound for quite a while (probably my favorite blessing out of the whole thing)!
After the ultrasound was an IV in the "results waiting room" where we watched some horrible Cuba Gooding, Jr. movie, I shivered and dreamed about what I wanted to eat that night, and kept looking at the newest pics of the life inside me. The PA comes in, explains that I have "subchorionic hemorrhage" and basically that it may or may not be a big deal. About 25-30% pregnant women have it and 9% out of those are severe enough to lead to miscarriage.
Ok..............
I follow up with my OB tomorrow. Hopefully he'll have some more information for me (like, say, how serious mine is).
Honestly? It's one of those things that no one can do anything about -- except pray. And I know that is true for all pregnancies (hemorrhage or no hemorrhage). Life is so fragile, so out of our control. And yet so incredibly precious. So wonderful and beautiful.
I desperately want to meet this little person - and raise him/her and watch him/her become a man or woman after God's heart (Lord willing!). Desperately.
And though I am aware that any number of things can happen to prevent this from happening (until we met in glory), I can't really go there yet -- not unless I really had to. In the long moments when I couldn't help but let my mind go there, the only thing I could really say to the Lord were that I really did not want to lose this baby. Like a, "No please, thank you" to my Sovereign Father. I don't want that. Of course, I really, really don't want that to happen. No one would. But things happen all the time that we really, really don't want. I (believe) can honestly say, and receive some comfort from the knowledge that come what may, I would be alright because I am Christ's and He is mine. Even on Sunday, as I was experiencing some of the worst thoughts and emotions and possibilities of my life, God was with me. His presence was thick in and around me -- in the kind eyes and voices of the strangers around me, in the prayers and hugs and tears of my loved ones, in the whispers of truth that kept me from despair. He is 以马内利 －－ Emmanuel -- He is with us! He even orchestrated that I would wear my 以马内利 necklace for the first time in a long time. So come what may, I would be alright . . . But there are still things I would never want to experience.
So instead of camping in that place of what ifs or come what mays, I praise God that my little one is still alive and kicking. I call upon Him as the defender of the weak, the God who SEES me and Aubrey and our little one AND who LOVES me and Aubrey and our little one. And I wait. And praise some more.
I will call upon Your name // And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise, my soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine.
