More on Losing Myself...

I've been reading about addiction in preparation for a counseling class I'm blessed to be able to take this week.

The instructor writes about "The Last Addiction" in her book by that title -- the addiction to thinking we can save ourselves.  

The Holy Spirit has begun to whisper some of the substances/behaviors I may be addicted, too - broadly speaking, COMFORT and under that category, TV and Facebook, among other things.  But in light of what the Holy Spirit's already been whispering to me, I am seriously addicted to serving my self, the preservation of my pride, and the presentation of an ideal me - to myself, God and others.  

Pride has ALWAYS been a huge struggle for me.  Spiritual pride, intellectual pride, pride about my niceness, pride about my looks, pride about my friends, pride about my taste in music - the list could go on and would continue to become more and more silly and narcissistic.  I guess pride and striving for a sense of identity could go hand in hand.  

The wild thing is, God has done MUCH in my life to humble me.  The whole crux of my testimony is that I needed to be shown that I was actually a sinner - not just a really good girl who messed up occasionally.  And in the past year, He's done much to humiliate me.  The things that He's been attacking have been, often times, so superficial.  And I'm beginning to realize it's been all the more painful, once again, by the double-egged nature of pride: I've been humiliated by the superficial and humiliated to find myself so concerned with the superficial. 

The WILDER thing is, WHO CARES?!  What I mean is, I just need to repent!  To give up!  To turn my cheek to the humiliating situations that arise and to live in continual repentance of this obsession with myself and the need to prove myself.

Introspection can lead to sorrow that is godly in repentant OR sorrow that just leads to prideful despair.  

I spent a lot of my time in full-time ministry thinking of "Jesus, Who humbled Himself"...yet, somehow this wasn't hitting home in my recent humiliation.  I wasn't letting it hit home.  I thought it was far too beneath Him.  To be concerned with status and levels/quality education and clothes and titles and money...I felt too ashamed to associate that kind of humility with the humility that Jesus experienced.  

But I think He did experience it...every moment of every day (YET He was without SIN!).  And a humiliation far beyond what I will ever experience because I could never esteem myself as high as He had every right to esteem Himself.

O Jesus, most beautiful, most wise, most joyous and joy-giving, the Light of the World, the King of all kings...thank you for humbling Yourself, for making Yourself nothing, for coming as a servant and experience all the humiliation involved in being a man (as opposed to God!).  And thank You for seeking to humble me.  Inside and out.  My heart's desire is most definitely You and Your glory far beyond its desire for my own glory.  May You continue to increase and may I ever decrease.  

Help me to forget myself!  And remember You.  A servant King.  You make me whole.  You make me worthy. You are my joy!  You are my citizenship and my boast and my song.

Identity Crisis

Historically, my strongest spiritual gift has always been encouragement.  Discernment/wisdom and shepherding have also been pretty high on the list, which, I came to discover in college lends itself to loving discipleship.  Then I came to believe that Counseling was the career that it lent itself, too (afterall, it's "discipleship on steroids").  

However, this year has been a journey towards facing the fact that I probably will not be able to get a counseling degree.  Financially, it just doesn't seem like it will happen.

So I've been pretty disappointed.  And at times, I've felt almost depressed. (Which is a little crazy to me considering one of my greatest dreams, marrying a wonderful godly man, HAS come true in the past year).  A counselor once taught me that depression comes from a blocked goal.  Which fits.  In my case, I somehow let getting a counseling degree become a very important goal to me - very important to my future, my identity.  And it's been blocked.  By something as silly as money.  I could write a hundred rants on what I've come to see about what I grew up believing about dreams and money and education, ect., but needless to say, I have bought into several lies that led me to believe I could do whatever I want and I've been disappointed to find that I cannot.

I've been struggling a lot with my identity in the past year.  I never really had much self-confidence or that strong of a sense of self until my time overseas.  I felt that I learned so much about myself...and I think that I did.  But I think in some ways what happened was that I traded in one false sense of self for another.  One brand of overachiever perfectionist for another more spiritual kind.  

So when I returned to America and all of the sudden I didn't have my "Christian I.D. card" as one friend called it, I felt lost.  Maybe more lost than ever.

Okay, all that being said -- as is most cases, there were/are good things going on in my heart that get twisted into sin and idolatry.  I had pretty much the best job ever - being in full-time Christian ministry.  A very difficult but very rewarding job.  And I do think that the Lord has specially equipped me for that job.  And it's a very important job. (So coming back to doing nothing all day long at first, and then serving chicken all day long was an extremely rude awakening).

So I felt lost.  And very sorry for myself.  And very angry at the world...and maybe a little bit at God.


Meanwhile, I've just spent a whole year of my life totally focused on myself because I felt so sad that I wasn't employed full-time helping other people.  Ha, it's almost funny looking back now.  Almost.  


So the other night, at a women's fellowship time we were talking about our gifts and strengths and I realized that encouragement at least USED to be my gift...but had I really encouraged anyone recently?  I've been so focused on not getting to encourage people for a living that I'd apparently resolved that I wasn't able to encourage anyone.  Right here, right now.


BUT I CAN.  I believe now that the Lord wants to use me here.  He did make and shape me in a way to point people toward finding joy in Christ and that doesn't mean that has to be my official job title to do it.  


I don't want to waste my time in Orlando feeling sorry for myself anymore.  I want to do what I know I was made for, right here and right now.  So may the Lord continue to show me people to pursue and to encourage, to disciple and to counsel.  


And may He continue to root my identity in Jesus' complete work on the Cross on my behalf, that I am called a daughter of God, a holy and chosen one, an ambassador in chains.  A worshiper and thus a missionary - near and far.  Whose only I.D. card is the Cross (a.k.a. death to myself and all my pride and life in Christ alone...finding myself by LOSING myself).


Now THAT is encouraging...